


Wagering on Bilbo's Hair

by Thorinsmut



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Funny, Gen, Hair, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 05:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/647048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thorinsmut/pseuds/Thorinsmut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo’s hair keeps getting in his eyes, and a certain pair of mischievous brothers have a plan to fix it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wagering on Bilbo's Hair

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at http://thorinsmut.tumblr.com/post/39000657108/wagering-on-bilbos-hair
> 
> Literary criticisms are appreciated.

Bilbo tilted his head up, shaking it to try to get the unruly curls out of his eyes… but they just fell back in as soon as he looked where he was going again.  
He dropped the heavy armload of firewood beside the fire and frustratedly combed his hair back with his fingers.  
“I need to get this cut.” he grumbled.  
“Just braid it up.” Bofur suggested, handing the irritated Hobbit a bowl of soup. “That’ll keep it out of your face.”  
Bilbo sighed, sitting himself down beside the friendly Dwarf to eat.  
“I might…” he mused, “…just until I can get it cut…”  
“That’s the spirit!” Bofur smiled. “We’ll make a fine Dwarf of you yet!”  
Bilbo ate his soup, glad he had something to eat and that they were no longer moving. It had been a long day.  
“I’ve never tried to braid my own hair before…” he confessed to Bofur as he finished his last spoonfull, looking upward toward his mop of hair. Bofur took the empty bowl from the Hobbit as he took a couple strands in his fingers, trying to figure out how to do it, craning his neck around and straining his eyes in a useless attempt to see the top of his own head.  
“Are you finally braiding your hair, Bilbo?” Kili was suddenly beside the Hobbit, “Fili! Bilbo’s braiding his hair… and you thought he wouldn’t do it until next week!”  
“No… really, I’m not…” Bilbo was suddenly embarrassed at the attention as all the Dwarves looked toward him, some of them smirking at his obviously inept attempts. He dropped his hands, glad that at least Thorin hadn’t seen him looking so foolish. The leader of their company was off talking with Gandalf.  
“I don’t think he’s going to do it.” Fili said.  
“Well he was going to, weren’t you?” Kili rebutted.  
“No, I… I don’t really know how…” Bilbo shrugged, “Maybe I could cut it…” he reached for his Elvish knife, only to be stopped by a chorus of loud no’s from the company. Kili even grabbed his hand to stop him.  
Bilbo slumped in resignation, “If I can’t cut it then what am I supposed to do…”  
“The Hobbit’s right.” Bofur commented, “We can’t leave him with hair in his eyes…”  
Kili suddenly brightened, smiling as though he’d just received the finest present, “We can do it!” He turned to his brother, gesturing at Bilbo’s head, “Fili! Get the other side!”  
The blond dwarf shrugged and ambled over to the other side of Bilbo, and both brothers leaned back, hands on chins, as they contemplated his head.  
“This… uh… this really isn’t necessary…” Bilbo tried, but was completely ignored.  
“I think I’ve got it…” Fili said, “have you got it?”  
“Yes. Definitely. Got it.” Kili was practically humming with anticipation. Both brothers took out their combs and set to work on Bilbo’s head, brushing out his curls and then braiding, their thick fingers very quick and sure… it felt to Bilbo as though they were doing very different things… Fili was more toward the front of his head, and Kili was… what on earth was Kili doing?  
“Done!” Kili was the first to finish, followed quickly by his brother. They stepped back to admire their work… but their smiles faded as they each saw what their brother had done.  
“What were you thinking?” Fili was the first to speak, the blond dwarf poking at the side of Bilbo’s head.  
“It looks good when I do it on your hair!” Kili defended.  
“It’s sticking straight out of his head!” Fili scoffed.  
“…what’s this?” Kili prodded the other side of Bilbo’s head, “That’s terrible.”  
“I ran out of hair.” Fili admitted, “His hair is very short.”  
“hmm…” Both brothers circled the Hobbit, contemplating again.  
“It’s fine, really, you don’t have to…” Bilbo tried again, only to be completely ignored once again.  
“Ok.” Fili and Kili had switched sides, and they nodded to each other over Bilbo’s head and started again, brushing out a portion of what each other had done and starting over… and once again it didn’t feel like they were doing the same thing at all.  
“Done!” Kili was finished first again, and once again the brothers did not seem happy with one another’s work.  
“What’s this?”, “Why’d you take that out?” “That’s terrible.” Flowed back and forth over Bilbo’s head. The Hobbit could see the rest of the company across the fire from him… there wasn’t a single Dwarf who wasn’t laughing. Even white-haired Balin, though he was trying to hide it, was chuckling into his soup.  
Fili and Kili were now circling around his head, each brushing out and redoing what his brother had done in an endless circle that grew rougher as it went around and the brothers’ mood deteriorated.  
“Ah.. ow… could we maybe stop?” Bilbo had no hope of being listened to.  
“Fili. Kili.” Suddenly Thorin’s commanding voice froze the young Dwarves, who looked up toward their uncle sheepishly. Thorin stood across the fire from them, a look of utter disbelief on his face.  
“What…” he said quietly, “…have you done to the Halfling?” Behind Thorin, Gandalf covered his mouth with his sleeve and tried to mask his laughter with a cough.  
“He asked us to!” Kili asserted, at the same time as his brother said, “His hair was in his face!”  
Bilbo strongly considered putting the ring on and disappearing on the spot.  
“I very much doubt Bilbo asked you to do that to his hair.” Thorin said firmly.  
“It’s just so short.” Fili moaned.  
“It doesn’t act like Fili’s hair…” Kili sighed. Both brothers looked at Bilbo’s head, then pointed at the other.  
“He’s the one who made it look bad!” they said together.  
“You’re on watch… both of you!” Thorin ordered, waving them away from Bilbo as he strode around the fire toward the Hobbit, blue eyes unreadable. Bilbo began trying to unbraid his hair as quickly as he could, feeling very keenly his own ridiculousness.  
Thorin shook his head, pulling a comb out of somewhere in his armor and furs.  
“Let’s get this fixed.” he said, stepping behind Bilbo to begin brushing out the braids his nephews had left.  
“You don’t have to… I’ll be fine, really…” Bilbo protested.  
“You’ve had hair in your eyes for days, Halfling.” Thorin rumbled, “Something has to be done about it… I’ll not have you blind if we’re set upon by orcs or goblins again.” the Dwarf leader’s hands were gentle but firm as he pushed Bilbo’s hands away and finished combing through the Hobbit’s curls.  
“Hmmmm…” Thorin pondered, tilting Bilbo’s head back and forth as his deep blue eyes stared intently at the top of the hobbit’s head… then he nodded to himself and made a few divisions with his comb, balancing them on each side of Bilbo’s head. His hands were surprisingly gentle as he braided a line down the side of the Hobbit’s face, gathering hair as he went and ending with a short braid hanging down in front of Bilbo’s ear. He did the same on the other side, taking care to make it match… then a second pair of braids just behind the first hanging down behind his ears. It was disconcerting to be the object of such intense scrutiny… Bilbo was a little glad when it was over.  
“There.” Thorin said, pleased, “You sit much more still than Fili and Kili used to…” the Dwarf leader wandered away to get the last of the soup before Bombur could polish it off.  
Bilbo shook his head back and forth, pleased that none of his hair got in his eyes. Bofur sat next to him again, smiling.  
“You look a fine Dwarf lad, now.” the friendly Dwarf volunteered.  
“…or lass.” someone said just barely loudly enough to be heard, Bilbo couldn’t quite see who, but the entire company burst into laughter. Bilbo chuckled too… by now he knew their teasing had no sting to it.

“I told you we could get him to braid Bilbo’s hair!” Kili whispered, elbowing his brother as they both laughed softly.  
“I don’t think we could have done it without Bofur, though.” Fili whispered back… “So, that means we’re collecting wagers from Gandalf, Balin, Dwalin…


End file.
